If you’re reading this article, chances are that your spouse recently came out as transgender. Or perhaps they have been in the process of transitioning for a while. It’s natural to have questions of your own. While this may be new territory, you desire to be supportive of your transgender spouse, and you can do so by being patient, listening, providing affirmation and being an ally.

Listen

While not all transgender narratives are the same, your spouse has probably been struggling with gender for much of his or her life. It’s also likely that he or she has been figuring out how to tell you. Your spouse may feel vulnerable and fearful of rejection. That’s why it’s critical to listen in a supportive, nonjudgmental fashion. You may need some time to frame your questions in a thoughtful way, but it’s also wise to thank your loved one for trusting and confiding in you. This will also help cement your relationship for the times ahead.

Allow Time for Exploration

Your partner may deliberate about if, and how, to transition. Your loved one could select a new name and set of pronouns. They might also pursue other medical, legal or social steps, depending on their needs. Your local laws could also affect the ability to make certain kinds of changes. In the end, there is no “right way” to transition, and not every trans person does. It typically takes most transgender folks some time to decide, so encourage your partner not to rush, as well as to discuss thoughts and feelings along the way.

Offer to Help

Whether it’s documentation and paperwork, or even constructing a new wardrobe, your spouse may want or need your help. You might not be aware of the intricacies, but even if you listen to your spouse’s concerns, that’s a huge help. And if your spouse is moving to present as the same gender as you, this could even provide a wonderful opportunity to bond as they seek to define a unique sense of style.

Avoid Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes 

While transgender public figures such as actress Laverne Cox or GLAAD spokesperson Tiq Milan provide some visible examples, not every trans person desires an appearance that’s strictly in line with the gender binary—that is, what’s traditionally considered masculine or feminine. Your wife may not want to wear dresses and makeup, or your husband could still think of himself as somewhat feminine. So, it’s vital to give your spouse the room to craft their self in terms of what makes them feel validated and whole.

Be Your Spouse’s Strongest Advocate

Because there are some people who will not understand or may even be hostile toward your spouse, you need to be their staunchest advocate. If your partner has expressed the desire to be referred to with a new name or set of pronouns in circles other than private home life, affirm these in your dealings with other people as appropriate to the venue (to avoid “outing” your spouse in situations in which it could be detrimental). Gently (or not, as the situation dictates) speaking up in support of your partner may help you get used to and process these changes as well. And if for some reason your spouse faces discrimination or is in danger, they must be able to call on you for help.

A Few Final Words

Although you may be processing your own feelings around your spouse’s coming out, keep in mind that they are living the reality of being transgender every single day. It’s understandable if you need to seek out resources to help you adjust. Meanwhile, the best way to be supportive of your transgender spouse is by listening, being patient, providing a positive affirming environment and advocating for him or her.